In between
by Eloise05
Summary: HUMANIZED. The first in a series (god willing) that shows glimpses of how crazy life can get in between missions and comando affairs.
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N. If y'all are wondering about Private's personality, just keep in mind that he has the alter-ego of a cocky, arrogant mini-golf master (and I quote "How does that feel? Like a tall glass of losah?") and the makings of a fearless, reckless commando commander. **_

_**Ricardo "Rico" Fernandez**__: he is the only one still leaving in the HQ (a big, one room apartment with no wall divisions, grey , brick walls and grey floors). He's tall with dark hair and topaz eyes and the usual scar on the left part of his mouth._

_**Steven Davidson a.k.a. Skipper**__: in the beginning he is sharing an apartment with Private. He has brown hair and piercing blue eyes. _

_**Percival "Percy" Smith a.k.a. Private**__: He's the youngest and smallest in the group. Of British origin, he has light blonde hair, baby blue eyes and freckles. _

_**Jan Kowalski**__: He is gay-married according to NY state law to Francis Blowhole, whit whom he is living. He is of Polish descent, the tallest of the group, blonde and blue eyed. _

_**Marlene Potter**__: She is a very cute, flirty, but zany girl. She has dark brown hair and brown eyes. _

_**Francis Blowhole**__: is Kowalski's life partner (because mad scientist's have to keep together). He has light brown hair, green eyes__and wears an electronic eye patch over his right eye__(which he devised) designed after the shape of his eye and bone structure. (In case you were wondering, no he didn't gave up the Evil business all together)_

_**Julian King**__: He is the owner of the club The Kingdom. He is very tall, thin and likes to wear leather (neah, just joking (or am I?)). He is dark skinned and has amber eyes. _

_In a bar, a Hot Guy named Bob (remember that ukulele playing bobble head doll? Yeah think that) drinks whit his guy friends. _

**Bob**: She's the perfect girl. I love her, guys. And I never even got to tell her. And now it's too late. (_He drains his glass, while one of his friends looks at his watch)_

**Friend**: It's not too late yet. You still have 20 minutes. Tell her now. (_They nod at each other, then Bob bursts out the door and jumps in his car.)_

_In the backroom of a church, Lola, Skipper's fiancée is getting ready for her wedding. With her are Marlene, her bridesmaid, in her green bridesmaid's dress, fussing over Lola and Kowalski, in his tux. _

**Marlene**: I can't believe our whole group of friends is married now. Well except me and Rico. At least he's got an excuse – he's gay. And Private, but he's so young. And Julian, but he doesn't count right? I'm just unlovable.

**Kowalski**: That's not true. And what about that new guy you're dating? Todd? I thought things were going great.

**Marlene**: No they are. I actually invited him to my birthday next week so everyone can meet. I know you all usually hate the guys I date, but Todd's different. I…kinda think he's the one.

**Lola**: You know, that term sorta loses its meaning when you use it ten times in a row. (_Marlene glares at her_) I'm kidding. (_laughs feebly_) We're excited to meet him. But can we do me? Kinda making a major life step here.

**Marlene**: Sorry. But c'mon, you're marrying the perfect guy. Skipper's the best. Your life's completely set. (_Lola smiles, but then her smile begins to fade_)

_Meanwhile, Bob is racing through the streets of New York._

_Later, in the church, Lola sits in front of the altar with her groom, Skipper, flanked by Marlene, Kowalski, Rico, Blowhole, Private and even Julian. _

**Skipper**: Lola, I've been with you for so long. I don't know what I would do without you.  
But I don't have to think about that ever again because I get to spend the rest of my life with…

**Bob** (_bursts through the church _door): Stop! I object! (_both Skipper and Lola look taken aback)_

**Marlene **(_lowered voice_): Who is that?

**Bob **(_panting_): Lola, I love youuu!

**Skipper **(_smiling like all this is a joke and he's waiting for some one to yell "gotch-a"!)_: What… what's happening here?

**Rico **_(lowered voice_): I skipped the rehearsal, but I'm pretty sure that guy's in love with Lola.  
**Bob**: Don't do this! You told me yourself that you don't even know if you still love him, and that he let himself go and that… That the sex was bad. (_Everybody else takes offense at the comment_)  
**Skipper: **Hey, man! My Nana's here.  
**Bob:** Lola, I love you. Come with me. (_Skipper laughs arrogantly_)  
**Julian** (_to Rico_)**:** I feel like we're supposed to kick this guy's ass or somethin'.  
**Rico:** You do it. You're black. He's probably already scared of you.  
**Julian: **Yeah, but you're gay and chubby. No one will see it coming. (_he smiles devilishly at Rico_)  
**Rico** (_whispers_)**:** Chubby?

_With a pained expression on her face, Lola finally turns to Skipper._

**Lola: **I… I have reservations.

**Skipper: **To… a nice restaurant later?

**Lola: **No. About us… Private told me. (_whispers_) I can't do this.  
_She grabs Bob's hand and they both run out of the church. _  
**Bob: **Kick-ass! Whoo!

**Kowalski: **I'm sure she'll be right back.  
**Marlene: **It's gonna be okay. I promise you. (_Skipper sits himself on the altar steps dejectedly_).  
**Rico: **Huge game changer… Huge. (_Blowhole hits him in a "really, dude?" fashion)_Uh, I'm uh (_whispers_) I'm sorry, bro. Sucks. (_Pats Skipper once on the back_).

_Later, in Darla's bar Rico, Marlene, Kowalski and Blowhole, all in their rumpled wedding clothes, are drinking together. _  
**Blowhole**: Wow! I mean…wow! You just don't see that every day.

**Kowalski: **Who was that guy? Does anyone know who that was?  
**Rico:** Are you really not drinking right now, Kowalski?

**Kowalski: **Nope.  
**Rico: **'Cause I would like to think that if this happened at my Massachusetts Civil Union, and you were the best man, you would be schlammered.  
**Blowhole: **Jan and I are doing an experiment. It involves a cleanse.  
**Kowalski: **No meat, no sugar, no booze.  
**Marlene: **Oh, Skipper just texted me. Okay, he says he doesn't wanna talk, but that he's (_giving them a what-the hell-is-this look_)"All good in the hood"?

**The Others: **Whoa.

**Marlene: **Has anyone heard from Private?

**Kowalski**: He… went on their honeymoon. (_The Others are stunned. He adds, trying to make it better_) Lola said he could and… it was pre-paid?

**Blowhole: **That's a bad move. I know he's your teammate and everything, guys, but that was cold-blooded. To tell her right before the wedding like that.  
**Rico: **Well, here's to the last time we were ever all together. (_Marlene's handing him a shot glass, while she takes another). _  
**Kowalski: **They could still work this out.  
**Rico: **Are you crazy? Are you a crazy person? Have you lost your mind? (_ Blowhole mouths "what?"_) Because Skipper and Private will never be able to be in the same room together again. (_Marlene groans_)

**Kowalski: **Or a week from now, we're all gonna be back at the church, and Skipper and Private and Lola are gonna be there, and we're gonna be laughing like, "What Runaway Bride situation?" 'Cause we're a team.

_One week later. In Skipper and Private's apartment, which is full of wedding gifts, cards and decorations. Skipper is huddled under a blanket on the couch singing to the Indigo Girls in a weepy voice. Someone knocks on the door. Again. Skipper turns the stereo off and gets off the couch still huddled under his blanket. _

**Skipper **(_hopeful_): Private? (_sees that it's only Marlene, Kowalski, Rico and Blowhole_) Oh. Hey, guys.(_drops his blanket to reveal that under he's in his PJs and a fluffy, pink bathrobe, most probably Private's_) Wassup? (_The Others reluctantly enter the apartment_)

**Rico: **Hey! How you doing?

**Kowalski:** Heeyyy…  
**Blowhole: **How's it going?

**Marlene**: Hey, sweetie!

**Skipper **(_overdoing it_): Great. Really great. I'm kicking ass. I've been doing lots of stuff. Uh, taking online yoga, meeting great people. (_he starts hugging them_) They're calling me "Bodhi," which is awesome 'cause of "Point Break". Been watching that a lot. Totally holds up. Right? (_chuckles_) Oh! I invented a new drink. (_he has the beginning of crazy eyes_)  
**Blowhole** (_mouths "what?" to Rico_)

**Rico **(_singsongy to Blowhole_): Crazy.  
**Skipper: ** Who wants to try a gin smoothie? (_goes to the counter and starts mixing in a blender)_ Ooh! Little bit of this, lot of that.(_over the loud whirring of the blender_) Sidebar Marlene, thanks for the blender. It's awesome!

**Blowhole: **Is that what you've been up to all week?

**Skipper: **It's been a week?  
**Kowalski** (_goes over to Skipper, grabs his shoulders and looks him in the eyes)_**: **Okay, hey, hey, Skipper, you are gonna work this out. This is just the sad chapter in your epic story.

**Marlene: **Skipper, I hope you know you're a catch. I'd marry you in a second – I mean – (_flustered_) a million girls would marry you in a second. This was probably a really good thing.  
**Rico: **Ah, this is a classic story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl to douchy wedding-crashing guy, boy becomes biggest YouTube sensation since "Sneezing Panda" (_Kowalski makes a you-shouldn't-have said-that face_)

**Skipper: **It's on YouTube? (_clears throat_) How many hits?

**Marlene:** Oh, barely any.  
**Rico **(_comes over and pats Skpper on the back_)Skipper, I'm gonna break it down for you, because I love you. Your wedding was horrible. (_Kowalski glares at him_) I mean, it was like a shark attack… at a Sunday school. But there is a positive, and that is that you are single right now. So why don't you go get some pants on? And let's go get you some sex.  
**Skipper **(_passes the blender pitcher with his gin smoothie to Rico and walks away_): I don't want to get some sex. I wanna fix this situation.(_Rico smells the concoction in the pitcher, gags then drinks it). _With Private.  
**Kowalski **(_in the beginning of controlling freak mode_): Skipper, you're giving off a real Howard Hughes vibe here. I feel like you're about ten minutes away from storing your urine in jars. Let's go get you some food.  
**Skipper: **I just ate three French bread pizzas and most of the world's largest chocolate bride. I left the hand to hold. (_he holds the chocolate bride's hand_)

**Rico: **I got it! Strip club, right now!

**Skipper: **No, I hate strippers. I always makeup really depressing back-stories for them in my head.  
**Kowalski **Oookay.  
**Skipper **(_while licking chocolate off his fingers_); Guys, I'm okay. I'm good. I'm just gonna kick back. You know, recharge the battery. Guys, I'm gonna be fine, all right? I-I just need a little me time. You know, a little low time for Skipper? Besides, Private is probably gonna call, so I should (_grabs the phone and says in a whispered tone_) stay close to the phone.  
**Kowalski: **He's… (_thinks better of it_) definitely gonna call.  
**Blowhole **(_fed up_): He went on your honeymoon.

**Kowalski: **Francis! (_to Skipper, once again trying to make it sound better_) It was… prepaid.  
**Skipper **(_getting up from the couch, determined_): Somebody get me some pants.

_Later, at The Kingdom all five sit at a booth drinking. Skipper downs two shots quickly and he's on his way to getting drunk. Marlene, Kowalski and Blowhole look on concerned. Rico drinks with him. _

**Skipper: **You know what? Whatever. I'm over it. Rico is right, I'm single – which is awesome – and like Marlene said, I'm a catch. I just wanna go back to normal right away, okay guys? It's all good.

**Marlene: **Don't bury your emotions, honey!

**Skipper: **You've got to stop talking to me like I've just got back from Iraq! You're making it worse. I'm moving on! (_he puts his beer up and Rico cheers it_)

**Rico: **There he is! Now pick a girl and give her two tickets to bangtown.

**Marlene: **You shouldn't just jump in bed with any random girl, Skipper. You're too good for that.

**Skipper **(_a bit darkly_): I don't know that I am, Marlene.

**Rico: **He's not. And getting laid's the best medicine for him right now. It's like… penis-cillin. Hey-o! (_raises his hand up for a high-five, but nobody high-fives him_)

**Skipper: **It's not that easy though, Rico. You're a gay guy, you can get laid in the bathroom of a Barnes and Nobles. It's a lot harder to convince a girl to have sex...

**Rico **(_grabs the next Hot Girl that walks past him_): Whoa darlin', slow up. (A.N.:yea, it's meant that way). I wanna introduce you to the best French kisser in New York. He's won a couple Tongue-y's, which is like the Oscars of Frenching.

**Hot Girl **(_smiles flirty at Rico_): You're funny! (_giggles_)

**Rico: **I'm gay. But Skipper's the straight me. So, French it up!

**Hot Girl **(_looks over at Skipper_): Uh, thanks, but…

**Skipper: **Oh, I understand, nice to meet…

**Blowhole **(_steps in to help_): Have you seen the Youtube video of the guy who gets humiliated at the altar? (_Kowalski shots him a dirty look, upset with his helping_)

**Hot Girl **(_smiling_): Yeah, that's hilarious. I feel sooo bad for that guy. (_Rico and Blowhole point at Skipper, who smiles embarrassed_)

_Later, Skipper is dancing (sexy dancing) with the Hot Girl while Marlene, Rico, Kowalski and Blowhole look on from the sidelines. Rico's moving in time with the music on the spot with a gratified smirk on his face. _

**Marlene: **I kind of feel like we're cheating on Private.  
**Kowalski: **I know.

**Rico: **Are you kidding? Private's in Cabo probably doing body shots off another dude.

**Kowalski **(_to Blowhole_)You did not have to tell him that Private went on the honeymoon. It makes him look bad.  
**Blowhole**: No, Private looks bad because he's doing bad stuff.

**Marlene: **I love him Jan, but even I can't defend him on this one.

**Kowalski **(_looking out on the dance floor_): Skipper does look happy.  
_On the dance floor, Skipper notices the Hot Girl's tattoo on her lower back, while she's grinding against him. It says "Stay Grounded". He rolls his eyes at the idiocy. _  
**Skipper **(_yells over the music_): I love your tattoo.  
**Hot Girl **(_still grinding_): It really just reminds me to stay grounded.  
**Skipper: **That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.  
**Hot Girl: **What?

**Skipper: ** I said, "I love staying grounded"! (_Hot Girl grabs his head and kisses him_)

**Blowhole:** Get it!

**Kowalski: **Whoa!

**Rico: **That's my friend!  
**Marlene: **She is… she is a special girl. Who does that?


	2. Chapter 2

_Next morning, at Skipper and Private's apartment. The doorbell buzzes. Skipper stumbles out of the bedroom in his boxers and an unzipped hoodie. He finally reaches the door and opens it to reveal…_

**Skipper: **Private?

**Private **(_he's tanned red from his little vacation_)**: **Hi.  
**Skipper: **That's what you're going with? (_slams the door in Private's face then goes to the kitchen counter and leans on it facing away from the room_)

**Private **(_enters the apartment and comes over to Skipper_): Skipper, come on. Listen. (_sighs_) I know there's nothing that I can say. Please know that I'm so sorry. Okay? But Lola had been having second thoughts for a while. I mean, think about the past few years.  
All I did, by telling her you were shagging me behind her back, was give her the little nudge she needed.  
**Skipper: ** Okay, Private, let's set some things straight here. I was starting to get some second thoughts too. You're the only guy I've ever even liked. But, I literally can't even picture myself with anyone else.  
**Hot Girl **(_she's naked_)**: **Have you seen my tongue ring? (Sighs) God, I hope I didn't swallow another one.  
**Skipper **(_exasperated_): I do not know who that is. (_Private is dumbfounded_)

_Later, at the gym, Kowalski and Private are training, Marlene is just overdoing it. _  
**Marlene: **Ugh! So he's moving out?  
**Private: **I told him he could stay for a little bit, but he said no. I feel bad, but**… **  
**Marlene: **You're really doing a complete tear-down of his life.

**Private: **Well, he already moved on. I can't believe he slept with the "stay grounded" girl. In our bed.

**Kowalski: **On the sheets I got you for your birthday?

**Marlene **(_panting_): Do you know how hard it is to get tramp out of Egyptian cotton?

**Private **(_pissed-off_): I can't believe you guys let him go home with another girl.  
**Kowalski: **Okay, you're not really in a position right now to comment on people leaving places with people that they're not supposed to leave with.  
**Marlene **(_trying to psych herself up for her gym exercises_) Come on, Marlene! Come on, Marlene, you piece of garbage.(_high-pitched voice_) Come on, Marlene! (_normal voice_) Marlene, please! Marlene, please. Do this, Marlene!

**Kowalski: **Marlene, take it easy.  
**Marlene: **Welcome back to the single life, Private. It has gotten competitive out there.  
While you've been spooning, the whole game changed. A guy doesn't even have to call anymore. A text at midnight is basically a romantic dinner for two. Hope you're ready to put out. (_Private sighs soulfully_)  
**Kowalski: **You know, why don't you just pull Skipper aside tonight at Marlene's party and just talk to him? You guys are gonna work this out. He's definitely gonna forgive you.  
**Private **(_a bit catty_): Were you not at the wedding? (_to Marlene_) Oh my God, today's your birthday. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. (_scared of her_) Happy… birthday?

**Marlene: **Don't worry. It's totally okay. I understand. You've got a lot going on right now.  
**Private **(_with a sigh of relief, surprised_)**: **You do? Wow. Thanks!... Marlene, I was thinking, you know, is it okay if maybe I don't come tonight? I don't want to cause any drama.  
**Marlene **(_disappointed, but hiding it behind a smile_): Really? You're not gonna come to my 30th birthday party? I'll just tell Todd that you couldn't make it. You didn't want to meet him. (_Private sighs behind her back_)  
**Kowalski: **I'm sorry. Who's Todd again?

**Marlene:** Only the future father of my children.  
**Kowalski: **Right. But, seriously Private. I mean, this isn't about this party. It's about, if we're still even gonna be a team or friends anymore. Or are we just separate people that don't go to each other's birthdays. 

_At Skipper and Private's apartment. Skipper is packing his stuff helped by Rico and Blowhole. He gives one last look at his old bedroom then walks into the living. _  
**Rico: **Skipper, I am so pumped we're gonna be roomies.  
**Skipper: **Yeah, it'll be like military academy again, except now you're chubby.  
**Rico **(_in a lowered, disappointed voice_): Chubby? Is that, like, a thing that is being talked about?

**Blowhole **(_to Skipper_): Know what, man? When Jan and I get this house, - you should come live with us.  
**Rico **(_unpacking some fast-food_) Yeah, the only single people in the suburbs are pedophiles and lesbian guidance counselors. Uh-oh, Blowhole. Look who's here. (_holding up a huge cheeseburger_) Your old friend meat is back. Mm.  
**Blowhole: **I'm good. Jan made me a nice lunch. (_pulls out a disgusting looking, brown smoothie. Skipper and Rico turn their heads in disgust_)  
**Skipper: **Ugh! Ugh! Man, oh, that smells like a European basketball player.  
**Blowhole **(_tries to drink the smoothie then gags_): This cleanse is brutal. I lost 11 pounds… today.  
**Rico **(_to Skipper_): More importantly, are you coming to Marlene's party? She's bringing a new dude, which is always hi-larious.  
**Skipper: **Of course I'm coming to Marlene's party. Why wouldn't I be? Because of Private? I am an adult, and I'm gonna handle this like an adult. Besides, Marlene might actually murder me if I don't come. She seems a little on edge about turning 30…

**Rico: **What? No way. Do people actually care about that kinda thing?

_Back at the gym. _

**Marlene: **I'm sorry Private, but… I just want things to be as they were. I want all my friends at my birthday, happy and drunk. And I want everyone to meet Todd and tell me he's great and that I'm not gonna die alone, surrounded by pillows crocheted with inspirational sayings.

**Private **(_laughs_): Wow, you really think this guy is marriage material?

**Marlene:** Yeah, but the last guy I thought that about stole Blowhole's identity.

**Private: **That guy had obvious red flags you should have seen from the beginning.

**Marlene: **That's not true!

**Private: **You met him at a Planned Parenthood.

**Marlene: **It was outside a Planned Parenthood. And I didn't realize he was coming from there. (_shakes her head disappointedly_) You're right, I'm an idiot.

**Private:** No. no… I'll tell you what, Marlene. I'll come tonight and within five minutes I'll tell you if he's the one or if you should lock up your valuables.

**Marlene **(_looks at him happily_): Really? You'll come? Even if Skipper comes too?

_Kowalski smiles at Private. He smiles back barely hiding his fear. _

**Private: **Yeah. I mean… what's the big deal? (_Marlene hugs him_) So where did you meet Todd? Outside a prison? At a Klan rally?

**Marlene **(_laughs_): No, this was for real. We met on JDate.

**Kowalski **(_exchanges a look with Private_): Don't you have to be Jewish to be on that?

_That night at the bar where Marlene's party is held. Skipper enters with his arm wrapped around Hot Girl, who is wearing an Ed Hardy hat and giggling. Private looks at them with a shocked expression on his face then turns to Kowalski, who just looks embarrassed for everyone in this situation. _  
**Rico **(_in a faux-whisper_): Best night ever.  
_Skipper comes over. _

**Skipper: **Rico, Kowalski, you remember Jackie. (_he makes her twirl_)  
**Kowalski **(_awkwardly_): Hi.  
**Skipper** (_to Private_)**: **Oh! Hey. Didn't realize you were gonna be at this thing.  
**Private **(_shooting daggers through Skipper_):Yeah.

**Skipper**(_to Jackie_):Awkward. (she giggles) Well, you two already sorta met, but this is Jackie, my, uh I don't know what to call you…Um, girlfriend?

**Private **(_shocked_): Girlfriend?

**Jackie **(_over the moon_): Girlfriend? (_they kiss…more like make out_)  
**Kowalski **(_to Private_): Total rebound. She means nothing to him.  
**Private:** Kowalski, stop trying to fix everything, okay? Skipper and I are through.

**Rico **(_downs his whiskey glass and leans over to Kowalski_): This is just like when my mom brought her new boyfriend to my 21st birthday party.

**Kowalski: **How'd it end?

**Rico **(_nonchalant_): My dad shot himself.

**Kowalski: **What?!

**Rico:** Not to death. In the hand. It was a hunting party. Total accident.  
**Kowalski **(_seeing a waiter close to him_): Um, I'm gonna need vodka in a water glass with ice, and I'm gonna be ordering "water" from you all night long, - so one water please.  
**Waiter: **Did we start already or do you really want water?

**Kowalski:** Just bring me vodka.  
**Private **(_interrupting Skipper's make out session_): So, Jackie, love your hat.  
**Jackie **(_giggles_): Thanks. It's an Ed Hardy.  
**Skipper **(_to Private_): What are you wearing that's so great, huh?

_Marlene walks in with her new beau. _

**Marlene **(_waving_): Hey, everybody! Hi!

**Kowalski **(_in a menacing whisper to Skipper and Private_): Hey, you two, at least keep it together for Marlene's sake.  
**Marlene: **Hey, guys. So, um, this is Todd. And this is Private, Kowalski, Rico, Skipper, and…(_sees Jackie and her voice falters_) Hey…  
**Jackie: **Jackie, Skipper's girlfriend. (_Rico downs his drink. Kowalski takes a big gulp of his "water"_)  
**Marlene **(_in the same small voice_): Great to see you again.  
**Todd: **Marlene has told me so much about you guys. It's awesome how close you all are. Really special. I'm just gonna run and wash my hands, okay, babe? (_Marlene gives him a small kiss_)  
**Marlene: **Go. (_she kisses him again_) Get outta here.

_Todd leaves for the restroom. On his way he passes Rico who gives him a strange look. _  
**Marlene: **So isn't he amazing?

**Kowalski: **He seems really great..  
**Marlene: **Aw.  
**Rico: **That dude is gay. (_Marlene and Kowalski turn to him with disturbed looks on their faces_)  
**Marlene: **Sorry?

**Rico: **I mean, great and superhot, buthe gave me gay eyes, like, right away. That dude is gayer than Hugh Jackman's boyfriend.

**Marlene: **Okay, I think I would know if he was gay.  
**Rico: **Marlene, come on, you had no idea that I was gay.

**-FLASHBACK-**

_Sometime after they initially met Marlene is kissing Rico on his bed (because anything that looks or sounds remotely Spanish attracts Marlene). _  
_**Marlene: **__This just feels so right._  
_**Rico: **__Totally_._(but his eyes are on a poster of a well built half naked man on the wall)_

**-FLASHBACK-**

**Rico: **Marlene, I'm just looking out for you, okay? And what straight guy washes his hands?

_Todd returns._

**Todd: **Sorry. It's just so hard to get the soot off. I'm a volunteer fireman.  
**Rico: **Yep, yep. There it is.(_pats him on the back and walks to the bar satisfied that he has proven his point_)

_Blowhole finally arrives. _  
**Blowhole: **Happy Birthday, Marlene! (_laughs and points to Marlene_) Dirty 30! (_Kowalski glares at him_)

**Todd **(_confused_): I thought you were turning 26.  
**Marlene **(_looking at anything but the people in the bar_): I am turning 26.  
**Blowhole: **What? Oh, you're serious.  
**Jackie: **I can't wait to be 26. I feel like nobody really takes you seriously when you're still in high school. (_Skipper spits his drink_)

**Kowalski **(_with a false smile plastered on his face_): Waiter, another water when you get a chance. 

_Later. They are all eating at a table in the venue. The air is pregnant with an awkward silence. _  
**Marlene **(_leans over to Private and whispers)_ What do you think about Todd? He's not gay, right?

**Private (**_ignoring Marlene_): So, Jackie, what do you want to be when you grow up?

**Jackie: **I either want to be a veterinarian or have a reality show.  
**Private: **Wow! Those are things.  
**Kowalski **(_whispers to Blowhole_): Say something.  
**Blowhole **(_to Marlene and Todd_)**: **So…Where'd you two lovebirds meet?

**Todd: **JDate. (_Marlene gives an awkward smile_). We instantly connected.  
**Blowhole: **Oh, I thought you had to be Jewish to be on that thing.  
**Todd: **I am Jewish.  
**Blowhole: **No, I-I was talking about Marlene. (_Kowalski is trying to attract his attention to the situation he's getting into_).Yeah! Marlene's also Jewish.  
**Kowalski: **Yay!

**Blowhole: **Yeah! All right! 26 year old Jew. Anything else I need to know, uh, Marlene Mar Mar?

**Marlene: **Just how to read e-mails labeled (_whispers_) "urgent party details".

**Rico **(_to Todd_):You know, Jewish dudes are my jam. (K_owalski looks over at him wishing to punch his mouth shut_)Am I right, Todd? (_he reaches over to feel Todd's bicep_)I think I'm right.  
**Todd **(_pulls away_): I'm more of a Megan Fox guy, bro.  
**Rico **(_sarcastically_)Oh, are you really?

**Kowalski **(_stands up clinking his glass for a toast_): Okay. It really is all about connecting, isn't it, Todd? I mean, we are so glad to finally meet you. And, Marlene, Happy Birthday.  
**Skipper **(_stands up with his beer in hand_):You know what? I would throw in one caveat, Todd. You never know when someone else is gonna come in and connect with the someone that you already connected with, and before you know it, your nickname on YouTube is "The Wedding Douche," and you're living out of a gym bag.  
**Marlene **(_afraid that anyone else might want to add something also stands up_): Thanks for coming, everybody. It feels like only yesterday that I was born, a young Jewess, 26 years ago.

**Private **(_stands up fed up_): You know what, Todd? Skipper is right. Things change. You have to work at a relationship. Don't shower twice a week and only focus - on your stuff in bed.  
**Todd **(_utterly confused_): Oookay.  
**Skipper: **I am a very caring lovemaker.  
**Jackie **(_with a silly smile_): He is.  
**Rico **(_slams the table, enthused_): Here we go!

**Skipper: **You know, all I did was work on our relationship. You're super high-maintenance.  
**Jackie: **Wait. So you and Private were together?

**Private **(_super pissed-off_): Yes, jailbait, we were together, and I ruined everything for everybody. And I don't know what to tell you except that, like, two minutes before the wedding was to begin the words just blurted out of my mouth. I told Lola about you and me. You know me. You all know me… Well, not you Todd. And certainly not you, Jackie. What I meant to say is, it didn't seem fair to her. (_he's close to tears_) I don't… I don't have an excuse except for the fact that I freaked out, okay?

**Skipper: **Really great lookout work, Kowalski.  
**Kowalski: **You know, Skipper, if a few sentences can make a girl run out of your wedding, you weren't really on solid ground in the first place.  
**Skipper **(_screams back_): You're not on solid ground!

**Rico: **Not your best comeback.  
**Blowhole: **Come on, everybody. Take it easy, all right? Todd must think we're meshugenah. Did I say that right, Marlene? (_Marlene nods_) Right context?

**Marlene: **Yep.  
**Blowhole: **Because you're Jewish.  
**Marlene **(_angrily_): Yes.  
**Blowhole: **Look, Private, just calm down.  
**Private: **Okay.  
**Blowhole: **Have some water. (_grabs Kowalski's "water" glass and hands it to Private. Kowalski makes to take it back but that would blow his cover_)  
**Private: **Thank you. (_drinks then spits it out_) What the bloody hell? This is all vodka!

**Kowalski **(_faux-surprised_): What? Waiter.  
**Blowhole **(_a little angry but mostly disappointed_): Jan, you're drinking?

**Kowalski **(_avoiding eye contact_): No, you're drinking.  
**Rico: **Night of a thousand comebacks.  
**Blowhole: **What about our cleanse? I've had pure evil coming out of both ends of my body for three weeks, and you're drinking vodka?

**Kowalski **(_distressed_): I'm sorry. I just… I… I don't know. I… I don't want to have a baby right now, okay?

**Rico: **Oooh… So that's what that experiment was about, huh? (_Kowalski and Blowhole glare at him_)

**Kowalski **(_talking very fast and almost hysterically_)**:** I did when I thought Skipper was gonna live next door, and we were all gonna be happy together, but now it's just gonna be us out there in the suburbs, all alone, slowly giving up. Five years later, I'm rocking stupid dad hair and dreaming about driving my burgundy windstar through a farmer's market. And Rico is living in Santa Fe with a furniture dealer named Robin. Is it a girl? Is it a guy? I don't know. I don't know, 'cause we haven't spoken in five years! And then I run into Marlene at… at… at Todd's memorial. Oh, yeah, he died, but not in a fire In a charity bike-a-thon for families of dead firemen. Sorry, man, rough twist. And Marlene and I don't even recognize each other because I haven't seen her - since her 30th birthday party.  
**Marlene: **26th.  
**Kowalski **(_yelling_): And it's all your fault, Private! (_stands up and walks away_)

**Blowhole: **Well, that's what happens when you drink vodka on a stomach full of cabbage juice. (_reaches into Private's plate and takes his stake_) Give me that. Hey, meat! (_bites it than stands and walks away after Kowalski_)  
**Skipper: ** Nice work, Private. You're the Michael Jordan of destroying friendships.  
**Private: **Well, you're the Michael Jordan of shagging underage slags.  
**Jackie **(_offended, but she doesn't know why_): I'm 18! (_throws her drink in Private's face_) What's a slag? And who's Michael Jordan? (_to Skipper_)God, your friends are all so immature. (_walks away_)  
_The waiters come over carrying a cake with a big "30" candle and singing "Happy Birthday" to Marlene. Marlene just wants to die on the spot. Todd's confusion levels have reached maximum. _  
**Todd: **Wait. Are you 30 or are you 26?

**Marlene: **I'm 30 and I'm Catholic and I'm gonna die alone in a light-up Christmas sweater, talking to a menagerie of parrots. (_grabs the candle and jams it into the cake_ _then walks away_)

**Todd: **I'm so confused right now.  
**Rico: **I know you are. Been there. And you will realize - may not be today, may not be tomorrow, may not be a month from now or a year from now. But you will wake up one day and say, "Whoa! I like dudes". And when that happens, I would love it if you gave me a call. (_pulls out his card and hands it to Todd_) We'll go get a beer. We'll rent a movie Maybe "Kate & Leopold".

**Todd **(_gets up angrily_): Dude, I'm not gay, okay? (_storms off_)

**Rico: **Whoa! What a homophobe. A homophobe who now has my number, thank you! (_downs his drink, then to Private and Skipper the only ones left at the table_) Really excellent work, you two. See you in hell! (_he walks away leaving the two in a tense stare off_) 

_Next morning at Darla's bar Rico, Kowalski, Marlene and Blowhole sit in a booth eating breakfast dejectedly. Marlene and Kowalski are drinking Bloody Mary. Rico's stuffing his face with pancakes. _

**Marlene **(_staring into space_): That was my worst birthday since my mom frenched my boyfriend at Epcot. (_to Rico_) So are you 100% sure Todd is gay?

**Rico **(_mouth full_) 150%.  
**Marlene: **Our good-bye last night was a little weird. He bro-hugged me.  
**Kowalski: **Has anyone talked to Skipper or Private?

**Rico: **Yeah, Skipper's coming.  
**Marlene; **So that means we can't invite Private? (_Kowalski sighs_)

**Blowhole: **Wow. This sucks.  
**Skipper: **Hey, guys! Check it out. (_points behind him to Private_)  
**Private **(_a bit sheepishly_): Hi, guys.  
**Skipper: **Right? Great news. We are back together. Just kidding. (_chuckles_) I still hate him, but he did spend four hours apologizing last night, which was a pretty good start.  
**Private: **And Skipper did admit - that he's been taking me for granted for a while.  
**Skipper: **I did, but I said that's the kind of stuff you talk about with each other.

**Private: **And I pointed out that Skipper wore jeans to my Uncle Nigel's retirement from MI6 party.  
**Skipper **(_in a faux-whisper_): It was black-tie optional.  
**Rico: **Here we go again.  
**Kowalski: **Another double Bloody.  
**Private: **Guys, this is… This is all my fault. And what I did to Skipper was… was horrible, you know, but… but Skipper and I agree that that's between us, you know, and it would kill me if… if I'm the reason that we all can't be how we used to be anymore.  
**Skipper: **Yeah, I mean, none of us has made a new friend in years.  
**Blowhole:** I wouldn't even know how to do that. What do you do, just, walk up to random people and go, (_waving his arms awkwardly like a robot_) "Hey, blah, blah, blah. Sports"? I'm not even into sports.

**Marlene: **The only new person I wanna meet is my husband.  
**Rico **(_mouth full_): I was once on this plane with this old lady, and she tried talking to me.  
I just pretended I had some kind of disability.  
**Skipper **(_sits down next to Rico_): Aww. Buddy.  
**Private **(_with his hands around his back_)**: **Hey, Marlene, I'm sorry your birthday got ruined (_singsongy_) But I got you something. (_Marlene claps excited for her surprise Private reveals a heart shaped cake with a 26 candle_) Happy Birthday!

**Marlene: **I haven't been this happy since my bat mitzvah.  
**Blowhole **(_to Private_): Can you sit down?  
**Rico **(_eyeing the cake_):Don't mind if I do-skis.  
**Marlene: **Uh, maybe you don't-skis.  
**Blowhole: **You might want to take a little vacation from the cake, man.  
**Rico **(_a little hurt while everyone else tries to hide their laugh_): Is this the chubby thing? 'Cause if it is, just say it to my face. Do you guys think I look fat?

**Marlene: **Weeell, you got a couple extra pounds.  
**Kowalski: **I think about your health. I just worry about your health.  
**Blowhole: **To be perfectly honest, you look like a young Kathy Bates.  
**Kowalski: **Ooh. No, no, no. It's like if Paul Rudd gave up.  
**Rico: **I'll take her. I do not mind. (_Kowalski starts laughing, but tries to hide it behind Blowhole's shoulder still watching Rico out of the corner of his eye. Rico digs into the cake_) 


End file.
